I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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