i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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