I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry about my life...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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