The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i barfeds in our rink
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
