Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
