All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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