Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
