I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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