my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if i died would you start the facebook group?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
