Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
