Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
