Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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