Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
