she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
do nipples grow back?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
