The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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