so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
