...so i touched it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
