i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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