I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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