Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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