I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
