Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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