I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
