I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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