i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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