What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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