I need help removing her.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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