There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
