i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
