My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize