Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
