Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
