she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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