I think my vagina is haunted
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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