i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
