Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize