Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
