wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've blown a few things in my day
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My vagina just recognized that song.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
