ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
