Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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