Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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