I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
