Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
