My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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