Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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