I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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