been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
