mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize