guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
