The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
