Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
