I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
