rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Two words: blizzard sex
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
