the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
