We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
